I don’t write often enough, but here I am.

On July 10th I was diagnosed with oral shingles. I had shingles in my throat, mouth and tongue. I couldn’t swallow, I couldn’t eat.

On July 11th I woke up with the left side of my face drooping. I looked like I had a stroke. Thankfully, the ER doctor at St. Michaels in Silverdale knew something was awful and I was admitted. Long story short, I have Ramsay Hunt Syndrome. Ramsay Hunt Syndrome is a type of shingles that attacks the nerve in your ear. This is the nerve that spreads throughout your face. The left side of my face is about a half inch lower than the right side and my eye doesn’t close unless I tape it.
Justin Bieber had Ramsay Hunt Syndrome. It’s good in a way because its brought this rare type of shingles into the light. It takes months and sometimes years to get better.

At the hospital I was given IV antiviral meds as well as steroids. The pain is unbelievable. I spent six days in the hospital bed, most of the time curled up in a ball. I had my iPad playing old videos constantly at low volume because my ear hurt too much to use my ear buds and I didn’t want the noise to bother my nurses.

My nurses were wonderful. They were kind, the were generous with the drugs and they spent time talking to me. They made me feel like I was human.

What did I look like? Well, I looked like a Picasso painting gone south. I couldn’t look in the mirror without horror.
Well I couldn’t see much anyway.

Ramsay Hunt Syndrome can and does cause you to go blind on that side and you can also go deaf. I have single sided vision and hearing so this was an emergency. I believe I’m going to be ok with the sight and hearing but this is a long process. I can’t see well yet.

Besides the physical hell I’ve been going through, the huge doses of steroids are taking a huge toll on me. I can’t sleep, the insomnia from the drugs is exhausting.

But most importantly, my mind is starting to remember very clearly things that have happened to me that have been buried. Steroids and I have a history of this. It was years ago when I was on steroids that I was having awake dreams and one of those dreams I saw a small girl. Innocent blue eyes. And I realized it was me. I was an innocent victim. Not my fault at all. It saved me.

It always comes down to childhood crap, doesn’t it? Being sexually abused rears its ugly head at the worst times.

I am being inundated with memories. Memories so very clear I can remember clothes I was wearing, smells I was smelling and the gut grabbing fear of knowing that this shit was going to happen again.

But it’s not frightening me, this reliving of these horrors. It’s like I’m watching from a distance, far away, seeing these things, these people, not with shame but with kindness and sadness for the little girl that was almost destroyed by psychotic monsters. I had no idea that these things happened until I did. And then it was wow, what assholes and why were these people never put into jail or punished in some manner. But I’m not upset, I’m interested. And as fast as these memories hit, I type them out. I’m thankful for my career as a paralegal as I can pretty much type as fast as I can think. This is important since I can’t see very well yet.

Putting the memories onto paper helps me. Once they’re on the paper the power disappears and I am fine. I have my cousin Lorraine to thank for this habit.

And you know what? I am fine. No matter how the evil people tried to destroy me, they failed. I am strong and I am a happy person. Well normally I’m happy, right now I’m just plain sick from this damned disease.

My question is: Do I post these? I’ve written myself letters. They are extremely graphic because they have to be. I can’t try to soften these experiences, I need to get them out in the open, let the bleeding begin so I can look at them, acknowledge them and go on with my life.

To say I feel relief is an understatement. What I feel is immense sadness because my childhood was taken from me from the time I was a toddler, relief that it’s over and finally, I feel whole. I didn’t know I wasn’t before, but I feel like a whole human being right now.

But I don’t know if I should put this out there where the internet can be cruel.

Its very possible that nobody reads anything I write anyway so this may be a moot point, but I thought I’d get it out there.